You managed to get some sad lump of humanity to eat your shit pizza!
Is there anything better than Cholula® brand hot sauce? Blow jobs, I guess. Cold hard cash, too. Also, receiving cold hard cash for blow jobs. Oh, and Christmas and afternoon drinking and apple pie and girls in short skirts with skinned knees. OK, so there are a lot of things better than Cholula® sauce, but Cholula® is still pretty good. I put it on nearly everything — burritos, chips, fake chicken nuggets, girls in short skirts with skinned knees — everything. I’m not saying I’m addicted to it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve sucked dick for Cholula® or anything, but maybe I haven’t met the right person yet. Also, I steal bottles of it from restaurants so it’s not like it’s affected my financial situation the same way say crack or collecting 9/11 commemorative currency from Liberia has.
It was on a recent grocery trip, when it dawned on me: why not mix Mexican hot sauce with peanuts? You see, the Sachs company makes a Tobasco® Hot Sauce flavored peanut
This article is inspired by this article, which is one of many annoying fucking articles about how customers need to act towards their waitresses, baristas (which is Italian for “a person who does the same job as the dumpy cash register girl at McDonald’s”), and other service industry lackeys. These articles are bullshit and only exist so the readers can smugly remind themselves that they could never be so inconsiderate as to act like some déclassé customer and ruin some hipster college dropout’s day. Also, if the title of the article doesn’t piss you off (“A Cup of Kindness: Five Things Baristas Want You to Know“), I don’t know what will.
Anyway, here’s an item-by-item counterpoint:
Continue reading ’5 Things I Want You to Know About Starbucks Baristas’
I don’t eat meat. Or dairy. I don’t because it gives you an elitist edge of snobbery that you just won’t get if you while away your days sucking down 32oz Blizzards at “the DQ”. The one thing I do miss is Prince’s Hot Chicken. If you’ve never been there you should check it out. It’s in a super-questionable neighborhood in a filthy building. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow’s assistant ate there once.
It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started having dreams — nightmare’s really — about it. Every night that I’ve had one too many limoncellos (which is every night), is a night that I inch closer and closer to snapping.
So, using a modified version of this recipe (which is pretty close to Prince’s), I’ve concocted a vegan tribute that is pretty goddamn close, except no disgusting filthy animals with brains the size of a pea had to die for it.
o•nan•ism
Online stock photography collections offer graphic designers an affordable selection of royalty-free images that suit nearly any project (read: billboards for questionable legal advice or bus bench ads for even more questionable medical products).
However, with great selection comes the great possibility of finding truly mind boggling and inappropriate images — images that make you wonder not only what in christ’s name compelled them to take that picture but also what in christ’s name someone would use it for.
This is one of the best pictures of Sarah “Gotcha” Palin ever.