When you live La Vida Lohan, you button all the way to the top.

I don’t care about Lindsay Lohan. I know she switched places with Jamie Lee Curtis in that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen movie that I liked. Also, I heard she does Gary Busey-levels of cocaine, which doesn’t bother me, and is perfectly understandable considering she has a twin sister that is a sleazy stripper — a problem which is further compounded by the fact that all the popular girls are mean to her at her new school. So, yeah, nothing she does bothers me.

What does bother me is smarmy obnoxious headlines like: ”Lindsay’s lawyer is living La Vida Lohan.”

What a sad, crushing existence it must be being the editing wizard that came up with that one. He drags his ass into the office on a Monday morning, doesn’t even have a chance to drink his first cup of stale office coffee, and, before he even sits down, he has some bitch-ass traffic manager breathing down his neck making this request:

We need a witty headline for our eleventy-twelfth Lohan article. Something really clever that will really catch the puffy eye of Jane Franzia Fridge Pack and get us that online ad revenue we so desperately crave. We need something condescending and trite that also manages to tie a washed up cokehead actress with a washed up formerly-closeted Latin pop sensation from 10 years ago. It also needs to be patently offensive to anyone with a thought in their head.”

If I were him, I’d probably be huffing industrial cleaning solvent in the supply closet.

The other nightmare possibility is that it took an office meeting of oh-so-clever copy editors to shit out this obnoxious headline before their traditional Monday lunch at P.F. Chang’s. And if it is true that it took a congress of pop culture dullards to come up with that subnormal headline, then I don’t know what to do, except go back to bed and never wake up.

Seriously, this guy looks like he’s at least 23% monosodium glutamate. Do you really think you needed to perpetrate a Shock and Awe campaign to get this guy to wolf down some of your (what we laughingly refer to as) pizza pie? You don’t think that at some point, at some moment of desperation and gluttonous self-loathing that is probably all too common in the fictional Shoyer household, that Scott wouldn’t eventually have compelled his area food poisoning dispensary to make good on their “30 Minutes or Less” policy?

And why does the big greasy tucking in come off like a promo spot for “To Catch a Predator”?

Personally delivering to all area slumber parties

Pizza commercials creep me the fuck out. Look no further than literally any commercial for Papa John’s, which, for some reason I can’t fathom, always feature the company’s founder looking lecherous as all-get-out. Never mind that eating their pizza is pretty much the equivalent of  committing incredibly prolonged suicide, this guy looks like a total creep. I’m not one to cast any dispersions, but his name is Papa John for chrissakes. “There, there. Grab another slice of Papa’s totally rohypnol-free triple meat pizza and tell ol’ Papa all about how your boyfriend doesn’t understand you. Just make sure to eat it real fast — you don’t want it to get cold.” They advertise a specialty pizza called the “Big Papa”. Let that sink in. Just make sure you wash it down with their authentic Special Garlic Dipping Sauce®. It’s so authentic, you’d swear you were in a real New York City pizzeria eating retrofitted industrial lubricant and salt.

So what have we learned?

• It is possible to hide files inside a video game that you purchase because your Xbox is just “a hard drive with games on it”
• If you’re a detective trying to get said files, it helps to have a “Rain Man”-esque autistic girl who can pantomime those super-secret file unlocking moves on her invisible controller.
• Prince of Persia has levels
• There’s something totally hilarious and sad about watching actors trying to give a believable performance centered around this nonsensical bullshit. Really, they should have gotten Emmys.

It’s hard for me to believe that someone, somewhere thought this was a really good idea. I will say that the subject matter and production quality is ironically fitting.

I’m just foolies. Outside of the mustache this guy doesn’t even look like ol’ Magnum. This is just my clever way to segue to the dopey HBO Miniseries House of Saddam. It’s like Dallas in Iraq or Dynasty in the desert or Bonanza in Mesopotamia or some other crummy prime time soap opera in some other crummy Middle East region. 

Apparently, that Saddam Hussein fella was not a very nice person. I think having hair like that would make anybody cranky. After watching the first hour, I can tell you that he went about that whole ‘murderous dictator’ thing in probably the most boring fashion possible. Also, from what I understand from the show and from the picture above, Saddam scored crazy hot tail, like all the time. 

As you can tell by the super great Photoshop job they did for the website, HBO is doing everything they can to position this miniseries as being similar to the Sopranos, except, you know, without all the good writing and acting. Also it’s set in Baghdad instead of New Jersey, but nowadays they kind of look pretty similar.

And what’s up with TV channels always calling these things “Miniseries Events”? Event? Really? Like, I’ll remember this shit 10 years from now? 5 years from now? 5 days from now? I just know I’ll be jabbering on in my nursing home, telling my (adopted) grandchildren, “I remember where I was the day House of Saddam premiered on  HBO,” and my (adopted) grandchildren will be, “What the fuck is an HBO?” The Olympics is an event. Me being able to achieve and maintain an erection? That’s an event. Running some soap opera that aired on the BBC six months ago? Not so much.

Oh, and this guy is in it playing, shock, some kind of henchman. You ever notice how he’s in like every one of these topical Middle East/terrorism movies? Talk about getting type-cast. He better be careful and a pick out some different role to play — like a transgendered playwright living with super AIDs and sharing a Brooklyn tenement with his recently orphaned nephew  — or he’ll end up getting killed by Keifer Sutherland in the first episode of the eleventy twelfth season of 24.

All in all, I give House of Saddam 14 thumbs up. Out of a possible 300.