Seriously, this guy looks like he’s at least 23% monosodium glutamate. Do you really think you needed to perpetrate a Shock and Awe campaign to get this guy to wolf down some of your (what we laughingly refer to as) pizza pie? You don’t think that at some point, at some moment of desperation and gluttonous self-loathing that is probably all too common in the fictional Shoyer household, that Scott wouldn’t eventually have compelled his area food poisoning dispensary to make good on their “30 Minutes or Less” policy?

And why does the big greasy tucking in come off like a promo spot for “To Catch a Predator”?

Personally delivering to all area slumber parties

Pizza commercials creep me the fuck out. Look no further than literally any commercial for Papa John’s, which, for some reason I can’t fathom, always feature the company’s founder looking lecherous as all-get-out. Never mind that eating their pizza is pretty much the equivalent of  committing incredibly prolonged suicide, this guy looks like a total creep. I’m not one to cast any dispersions, but his name is Papa John for chrissakes. “There, there. Grab another slice of Papa’s totally rohypnol-free triple meat pizza and tell ol’ Papa all about how your boyfriend doesn’t understand you. Just make sure to eat it real fast — you don’t want it to get cold.” They advertise a specialty pizza called the “Big Papa”. Let that sink in. Just make sure you wash it down with their authentic Special Garlic Dipping Sauce®. It’s so authentic, you’d swear you were in a real New York City pizzeria eating retrofitted industrial lubricant and salt.

However, with great selection comes the great possibility of finding truly mind boggling and inappropriate images — images that make you wonder not only what in christ’s name compelled them to take that picture but also what in christ’s name someone would use it for.

Lavender Bowl Celebration

How's that for homoeroticism? Seriously, there's nothing gayer than football. Unless of course you count the post-victory locker room champagne facials.

This is one of the best pictures of Sarah “Gotcha” Palin ever.

Fiendish Mr. Han

I don’t know if it’s the red white and blue wind chime (those are wind chimes right?) earrings or the frilly mandarin collar à la Han in Enter the Dragon or the way she tries to pass off safety glasses as actual spectacles. It could also be the “Stepford Wives my life is a total sham and I’m a hateful vacuous shell of  a human and I’m just realizing that and, oh hey, what’s that off in the distance?” expression on her snare drum of a face.

I think maybe the biggest draw for me is the bedazzled “Alaska” pin that she had to have gotten at some flea market in whatever circle in hell people like her have to visit to renegotiate their contract with Satan for another 15 minutes. Now, I want her to run for president, and now I want her to win, but only under the condition that she wear that stupid fucking pin every single fucking day. Maybe Satan could hook something like that up.

Apparently, Destiny's Child didn't break up soon enough.

Apparently bootylicious is now part of the broken down, idiotic patois we once referred to as the English Language. I wish I could be around 1,000 years from now when those robot aliens who that let that pothead cyborg Haley Joel Osment spend one more day with his yuppie pretend mommy (that wasp bitch) come back to Earth to try to learn about our civilization and find shit like this. I still wish I was bootylicious, though.