Archive for the 'Internet!' Category

Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny

Published on June 21, 2011 in Internet! and Product Reviews. 0 Comments

I originally wanted this post’s title to be “Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny As All Get Out,” but it seemed too long.

I love my Kindle®. I know it’s stupid to have attachment to a product, but I can’t think of a better word than love. I fucking love my Kindle®. Just thinking about its sleek white casing, its firm yet yielding navigation nub, the way it feels in my big, strong hands — it’s enough to make my pants tight.

I’ve had mine for about two years, and, during those two years, I think I’ve become a better person. Some will say a more smug person, but those people are just jealous because they can’t afford an e-reader with which to read the classics of literature (primarily Dean Koontz and Danielle Steel).  Continue reading ‘Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny’

Seriously, fuck you CNN

Published on September 27, 2010 in Internet! and TV. 2 Comments
Lindsay Lohan CNN headline

When you live La Vida Lohan, you button all the way to the top.

I don’t care about Lindsay Lohan. I know she switched places with Jamie Lee Curtis in that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen movie that I liked. Also, I heard she does Gary Busey-levels of cocaine, which doesn’t bother me, and is perfectly understandable considering she has a twin sister that is a sleazy stripper — a problem which is further compounded by the fact that all the popular girls are mean to her at her new school. So, yeah, nothing she does bothers me.

What does bother me is smarmy obnoxious headlines like: ”Lindsay’s lawyer is living La Vida Lohan.”

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If You Name Your Band “Early Graves,” Maybe Wear a Seatbelt

Published on August 27, 2010 in Internet! and Rock and Roll. 0 Comments

Taken from here.

Matikeef “Makh” Daniels, 28, of Pacifica, was ejected from the 2003 Chevrolet van, which had been heading south on Interstate 5 north of Medford at 5:30 a.m. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

According to Oregon State Police, the driver – 24-year-old Justin Garcia of Fresno – fell asleep and allowed the van to drift off the right shoulder of the freeway.

Police Lt. Gregg Hastings said the van carried five members of Daniels’ band, Early Graves, as well as four members of Garcia’s band, Funeral Pyre, which is based in La Habra (Orange County). The men had played at a weekend concert in Eugene and were en route to Reno.

If only this had happened in the early 90s. Then that waif Ethan Hawke could have just showed this to that other waif Winona Ryder.

Newsflash: Alcohol Makes People More Attractive!

Published on August 25, 2010 in Internet!. 2 Comments

Hey you guys, have I got a scoop for you: alcohol makes people (me) more fuckable! I’m serious. According to Discovery News, the more you drink, the more likely you are to want to knock boots with pretty much any of the other uggos in the bar.

No. fucking. shit.

I shouldn’t be so hard on Discovery News, what with their recent hard-hitting exposé “Sun, Kristy Swanson: Both Hot but for Different Reasons”. It’s understandable that after such exhaustive investigative reporting, the crack team at Discovery would want to downshift and report on something people have known about since, oh, I don’t know, for-fucking-ever.

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5 Things I Want You to Know About Starbucks Baristas

Published on July 29, 2010 in Internet!, Starbucks and White People Problems. 3 Comments

Fuck right offThis article is inspired by this article, which is one of many annoying fucking articles about how customers need to act towards their waitresses, baristas (which is Italian for “a person who does the same job as the dumpy cash register girl at McDonald’s”), and other service industry lackeys. These articles are bullshit and only exist so the readers can smugly remind themselves that they could never be so inconsiderate as to act like some déclassé customer and ruin some hipster college dropout’s day. Also, if the title of the article doesn’t piss you off (“A Cup of Kindness: Five Things Baristas Want You to Know“), I don’t know what will.

Anyway, here’s an item-by-item counterpoint:

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WTF Stock Photography

Published on July 11, 2010 in Internet! and Signs of the Apocalypse. 1 Comment

Nude Seniors. You can't unsee it.Online stock photography collections offer graphic designers an affordable selection of royalty-free images that suit nearly any project (read: billboards for questionable legal advice or bus bench ads for even more questionable medical products).

However, with great selection comes the great possibility of finding truly mind boggling and inappropriate images — images that make you wonder not only what in christ’s name compelled them to take that picture but also what in christ’s name someone would use it for.

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