I don’t eat meat. Or dairy. I don’t because it gives you an elitist edge of snobbery that you just won’t get if you while away your days sucking down 32oz Blizzards at “the DQ”. The one thing I do miss is Prince’s Hot Chicken. If you’ve never been there you should check it out. It’s in a super-questionable neighborhood in a filthy building. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow’s assistant ate there once.
It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started having dreams — nightmare’s really — about it. Every night that I’ve had one too many limoncellos (which is every night), is a night that I inch closer and closer to snapping.
So, using a modified version of this recipe (which is pretty close to Prince’s), I’ve concocted a vegan tribute that is pretty goddamn close, except no disgusting filthy animals with brains the size of a pea had to die for it.
Continue reading ‘Vegan Hot Seitan’
Capital One has this thing where you can design your own credit card. Naturally, I chose a close-up picture of meat. I guess since it’s not copyrighted, sexually inappropriate, have religious imagery, feature the olympics, or have a candid Glamour Shot® of Adolph Eichmann, it got approved. So, in 7-10 business days, I should be able to buy all the aquariums and lava lamps my credit limit can bear. Now I just have to wait for my name change to Lee Marcel Cardholder to go through.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. People who find the comics in The New Yorker funny deserve to be punched in the back of the head. I present to you this abject example of banality:
Seriously, fuck The New Yorker. Unless this is about that whole Haiti thing.
Continue reading ‘Explain To Me Why This Is Funny’
I am often asked, “Jimmy, who’s your best one, Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton?” The question, as often as I hear it, has become quite laughable, for I have come to the only logical solution.
I boldly respond, “Neither, for I choose the bastard son of the two Bills. I choose Olyphant.”
Could you imagine those two doin' it? I know right.
So I’m wicked hungover the other morning because I was up late the night before celebrating the big promotion I got at the office for how I handled the Fisher Account. Now, my morning routine after I’ve had one or three too many limoncellos, is to get on the onlines and check out my sites. After MILFhunter.com and wikipedia articles about Elephantiasis and Diane Arbus that somehow managed to meander to an article about the differences between Jewish and Islamic dietary laws, I go to CNN.com to check the latest headlines for oddities. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go to this link, because I don’t have time to go into it, and I feel like I’ve already babbled on and on without even getting to the point.
Oh, and there is a point.
The point is this little gem that I find tucked away near the end of their latest headlines:
Continue reading ‘This is How I’m Pathetic.’
This is Bradley W. Cavanaugh:
AKA Chad Sexington
Ol’ Brad is wanted in Wichita, Kansas for felony theft. Although the wanted poster doesn’t say, and I’m no Columbo, I have a pretty good idea what he has stolen.
Continue reading ‘J’accuse!’
I don’t eat meat. Or dairy. I don’t because it gives you an elitist edge of snobbery that you just won’t get if you while away your days sucking down 32oz Blizzards at “the DQ”. The one thing I do miss is Prince’s Hot Chicken. If you’ve never been there you should check it out. It’s in a super-questionable neighborhood in a filthy building. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow’s assistant ate there once.