Don

This one I call Don. He’s going to tell you about the rain clouds in New York state. That is if you just pipe down for a minute. Your sister too. I swear to God, I’ll turn this car around and then there will be no weather report for anyone. I’m already taking enough BS from your mother, I don’t need it from you two. Don has a lot of “home” stress.

Clothing: 4 out of 5 stars
Hair: 2 out of 5 stars
Grit: 4 out of 5 stars
Hidden Rage: 3 out of 5 stars
Secret Longings: 4 out of 5 stars

Likelihood that Don will pull a “John List“: 3.6 out of 5 stars

Pete

The one I’ve dubbed Pete is the “class clown” of TWC. Peep that zany tie. No seriously, if there was a chain, that tie would be off it. Look at how he holds that remote. He has the ease and confidence of a fine Evening at the Improv regular. True story: one time, Pete comes in to work wearing a green shirt and tie the same color as the screen the map is projected on. Bill, the director, nearly blew a gasket. That’s Pete for you.

Neck Tie: 5 out of 5 stars
Hair: 3 out of 5 stars
Posture: 4 out of 5 stars
Aggression: 3 out of 5 stars
Height: 4 out of 5 stars

Probable Secret Cocaine Addiction: 3.8 out of 5 stars

Alvarez

I named this one Alvarez because he looks like one of those soldiers from a Vietnam War movie where he’s too shellshocked to have a coherent thought, let alone break down the condensation point in the Rockies, and it always seems like there’s one guy in those movies whose name is Alvarez. “I was telling Ricky about the new Doppler 5000 system, and Charlie must have heard it beep or somethin’, ‘cuz all of a sudden BOOM! Ricky’s head comes off and I’m sitting there covered in his blood and I’m thinking, ‘Why are we here? huh, man? I mean, what the fuck are we doing here?’” At least that’s how it works in my weather.com/Platoon fantasies.

Confidence: 1 out of 5 stars
Suit: 3 out of 5 stars
Poise: 2 out of 5 stars
Fear: 5 out of 5 stars
Shiftiness: 5 out of 5 stars

Odds that he’s holding a shotgun just out of frame with everyone’s “Christmas Bonus”: 3.2 out of 5 stars

Pete Again

You know, now that I think about it, I’m changing my opinion on Pete. I don’t think Pete was so much the class clown as he was the jock asshole who thought he had it all figured out, wound up on a basic cable channel only old people watch, and still thinks he’s doing pretty damn good for himself. Look at that smug confidence and that wide-legged stance. He is the Emilio Estevez of TWC’s Breakfast Club. He’s got deep layers under the surface just like him, but nobody really wants to peel Emilio anyways, so what does it matter? Still has a great tie, though.

Neck Tie: 5 out of 5 stars
Hair: 3 out of 5 stars
Posture: 4 out of 5 stars
Aggression: 3 out of 5 stars
Height: 4 out of 5 stars

How about some raging alcoholism and paternity suits to go with that coke habit?: 3.8 out of 5 stars

Don-inator the Dominator

Don’s back and so is his groove and let me tell you has he got some weather to tell you about. These ice storms pretty much sell themselves people and you know what else? He’s practically giving away the winter advisory warnings. It’s all part of “Crazy Don’s Dollar Days” here at the Weather Channel. Boy, he still has that icy 1,000 mile stare though, doesn’t he? I wonder how many hitchhikers gazed into that plastic abyss before succumbing to permanent slumber courtesy of one of Don’s Men’s Warehouse 2-for-1 ties…

Estimated Compassion: 0 out of 5 stars
Estimated Empathy: 1 out of 5 stars
Suit: 4 out of 5 stars
Tie: 5 out of 5 stars
Propensity for Remorse: 1 out of 5 stars

Likelihood that he just hasn’t found “the right one”: 2.2 out of 5 stars

In what I hope to be a weekly update, I’m going to review selected weather “personalities” based solely on the screen capture image on the Weather Channel homepage. Is it arbitrary? Most definitely. Will it be funny? Probably not. Will I actually update it every week? Not a chance. 

Tamara

Up first is this petite little lass. I think I’ll name her Tamara. If there’s one thing Tamara knows more about than cold fronts, it’s accessorizing. The simple, understated medallion necklace, subtle earrings, and practical watch, all make for a classy yet utilitarian look. Further emphasizing this aesthetic is the clever way in which young Tamara clipped her microphone to her necklace. 

Clothing: 2 out of 5 stars
Hair: 4 out of 5 stars
Attitude: 5 out of 5 stars
Posture: 5 out of 5 stars
Smile: 3 out of 5 stars

Overall Potential Wife Rating: 3.8 out of 5 stars

Becky

I had such high hopes for the one I call Becky. Maybe I caught her on one of her “off” days, and I’m empathetic, but I have to call ‘em like I see ‘em. You don’t need the green screen map to know that there’s a high level of moisture in the air. Becky’s puffed out hair does that for us. Maybe they should do away with the whole map and Doppler radar and just divine the weather conditions based entirely on how her scalp responds to the barometric pressure. I won’t even comment on her sweater and the Freudian implications of its neckline. Oh wait, I just did.
 

Hair: 2 out of 5 stars
Confidence: 2 out of 5 stars
Sensual Prowess: 1 out of 5 stars
Use of Eyeglasses: 2 out of 5 stars
Grace: 1 out of 5 stars

Overall probability of advancement to network in major market: 1.6 out of 5 stars

Victoria

Victoria (at least I have to assume her name is Victoria — The Weather Channel website is of no help) walks in front of that green screen every day with a confident swagger and a folksy attitude that really connects with the salt-of-the-earth people of Bumwad, Iowa. I’m kidding. She makes used car salesmen skittish. The great thing about Victoria’s outfit is that, after a hard day of weathering for the masses, all she has to do is slap on some Brut® with an Axe® Dark Temptation Body Spray chaser, and she’s ready to dance all night long at that hot new dance club all the other secretaries are talking about. 

Machismo: 3 out of 5 stars
Clothing: 3 out of 5 stars
Trash-stache: 3 out of 5 stars
Manly Posture: 5 out of 5 stars
Confidence: 4 out of 5 stars

Odds her necktie will be cast in a Marie Antoinette docudrama with a modern soundtrack: 3.6 out of 5 stars