Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny

I originally wanted this post’s title to be “Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny As All Get Out,” but it seemed too long.

I love my Kindle®. I know it’s stupid to have attachment to a product, but I can’t think of a better word than love. I fucking love my Kindle®. Just thinking about its sleek white casing, its firm yet yielding navigation nub, the way it feels in my big, strong hands — it’s enough to make my pants tight.

I’ve had mine for about two years, and, during those two years, I think I’ve become a better person. Some will say a more smug person, but those people are just jealous because they can’t afford an e-reader with which to read the classics of literature (primarily Dean Koontz and Danielle Steel). 

Therefore, you can imagine my absolute horror when the upper right hand corner of my beloved Kindle® began to chip away. It started first as a small crack — hairline fracture, really — before full pieces began falling off. Now I know what you’re thinking. “You must have dropped it or sat on it on the bus or something”. First of all, I don’t drop my things. I take superlative care of every product that I own. Secondly, I don’t, nor will I ever, use public transportation. The fact of the matter is the cause of the damage is, as far as I know, a complete mystery.

Now, I had read somewhere that Amazon has a lax policy when it comes to Kindle® returns and exchanges. Surely not I, with a warranty so out of date, could receive any kind of assistance! Au contraire, mon frère. After leaving my phone number with Amazon support, a chipper young representative called me almost immediately. Despite being out of warranty, and, to be honest, a shady sounding back story, the rep informed me that a new Kindle® would be overnighted to me post haste! This call was after business hours, but, sure enough, the very next day a new Kindle® was delivered to my doorstep.

To say that I am impressed with Amazon would be an understatement. I can think of no other company with such customer service and such willingness to make a self-proclaimed douche bag like me  happy.

I suspect the reason they do this is because Kindles® are cheap to produce. There’s not a lot of gigawhositz going on inside of these things. Also, keeping dumb old me happy with a new Kindle® is a great way to ensure that I continue to purchase books through them. Books that are priced a tad too high. I’m not saying there profit margin for a 200k digital file that never needs to be printed is ridiculously high, but it’s probably somewhere around a million percent.

The Kindle® needs to hurry up and replace printed books. Anyone that disagrees with the idea of e-readers taking over is a fucking moron. Your entire library can fit on one slim device that is searchable, portable, and fuckable. Books collect dust and are a bitch to move. If you read the kind of books I do (I’m talking real smart, eggheady books), then they’re also super-heavy. The only kind of book that should still be printed is art books.

When e-readers take over, there will be less trees that get cut down and we can print those tasteful nude photo books and really exotic rain forest paper! And that is what the future is all about.

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