You managed to get some sad lump of humanity to eat your shit pizza!
Seriously, this guy looks like he’s at least 23% monosodium glutamate. Do you really think you needed to perpetrate a Shock and Awe campaign to get this guy to wolf down some of your (what we laughingly refer to as) pizza pie? You don’t think that at some point, at some moment of desperation and gluttonous self-loathing that is probably all too common in the fictional Shoyer household, that Scott wouldn’t eventually have compelled his area food poisoning dispensary to make good on their “30 Minutes or Less” policy?
And why does the big greasy tucking in come off like a promo spot for “To Catch a Predator”?
Personally delivering to all area slumber parties
Pizza commercials creep me the fuck out. Look no further than literally any commercial for Papa John’s, which, for some reason I can’t fathom, always feature the company’s founder looking lecherous as all-get-out. Never mind that eating their pizza is pretty much the equivalent of committing incredibly prolonged suicide, this guy looks like a total creep. I’m not one to cast any dispersions, but his name is Papa John for chrissakes. “There, there. Grab another slice of Papa’s totally rohypnol-free triple meat pizza and tell ol’ Papa all about how your boyfriend doesn’t understand you. Just make sure to eat it real fast — you don’t want it to get cold.” They advertise a specialty pizza called the “Big Papa”. Let that sink in. Just make sure you wash it down with their authentic Special Garlic Dipping Sauce®. It’s so authentic, you’d swear you were in a real New York City pizzeria eating retrofitted industrial lubricant and salt.
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