Is there anything better than Cholula® brand hot sauce? Blow jobs, I guess. Cold hard cash, too. Also, receiving cold hard cash for blow jobs. Oh, and Christmas and afternoon drinking and apple pie and girls in short skirts with skinned knees. OK, so there are a lot of things better than Cholula® sauce, but Cholula® is still pretty good. I put it on nearly everything — burritos, chips, fake chicken nuggets, girls in short skirts with skinned knees — everything. I’m not saying I’m addicted to it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve sucked dick for Cholula® or anything, but maybe I haven’t met the right person yet. Also, I steal bottles of it from restaurants so it’s not like it’s affected my financial situation the same way say crack or collecting 9/11 commemorative currency from Liberia has.
It was on a recent grocery trip, when it dawned on me: why not mix Mexican hot sauce with peanuts? You see, the Sachs company makes a Tobasco® Hot Sauce flavored peanut
The Peanuts: I just used the cheapest I could find at the store. Make sure you get raw peanuts, unless you want to get über crazy and buy already roasted peanuts and go for a refried bean type deal. I don’t think it will work, but if you’re that much of a loose cannon, you’re probably already saying to yourself, “Fuck this guy. He doesn’t get me. No one does,” before hauling ass on your motorcycle (Vespa scooter) to pick your stripper girlfriend (Applebees waitress). If you’re law-abiding and don’t steal your hot sauce from burrito restaurants, you’ll want to pick up your Cholula® while you’re at the store.
I know they look gross. Kind of like bloody alien testicles. Try getting that image out of your mind.
Sauce and Stuff: 2 tablespoons of oil and 2 bottles of Cholula® sauce is all you need. Soak the peanuts in the mixture.
Put the peanuts on a cookie sheet and sprinkle generously with salt. Cook at 350° for a long goddamn time. The peanut packaging say cook for 15-20 minutes, but that’s pretty much bogus after you’ve drenched them in hot sauce. I cooked them for about an hour.
Result: Not great. Basically the peanuts taste like unsalted roasted peanuts. I thought maybe the coating, because it rubs off on your fingers, would rub off on the peanuts, but no. I think maybe if I had soaked them longer, say several hours, they would have turned out better. I’ll probably try that next and report my findings never. They are pretty good if you eat them with the shell. That’s also a great way to get some extra fiber in your diet, and we all could use some more fiber in our diets. I know I sure could.
My love of Cholula® remains unabated, as does my love of oral copulation, girls with skinned knees, and genuine Liberian legal tender. My desire to cook things, however, is severely abated.
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