Vegan Hot Seitan

I don’t eat meat. Or dairy. I don’t because it gives you an elitist edge of snobbery that you just won’t get if you while away your days sucking down 32oz Blizzards at “the DQ”. The one thing I do miss is Prince’s Hot Chicken. If you’ve never been there you should check it out. It’s in a super-questionable neighborhood in a filthy building. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow’s assistant ate there once.

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started having dreams — nightmare’s really — about it. Every night that I’ve had one too many limoncellos (which is every night), is a night that I inch closer and closer to snapping.

So, using a modified version of this recipe (which is pretty close to Prince’s), I’ve concocted a vegan tribute that is pretty goddamn close, except no disgusting filthy animals with brains the size of a pea had to die for it.

Preparing the Seitan: I used store-bought Seitan strips which were kind of dry, so I covered them with a little almond milk. I know it looks like I soaked them, but I didn’t, so I don’t give a shit what you think that picture up there is telling you. This is probably a step that you can avoid if you make your own seitan but I was high and lazy. The Veganomicon has a pretty good recipe for seitan. After that, drag the seitan through plain ol’, regular self-rising flour.

Fry that Seitan: I use a 3:1 blend of vegetable and peanut oil. Also, I use a cast iron skillet, which is what Prince’s uses. The pan probably doesn’t matter as much, because Prince’s never washes them and uses lard. Let the oil heat up first and then fry using medium to medium-high heat.

Hot Stuff: After the seitan is good and crispy, that’s when you cover it in sauce. Here’s how I made it:

• 1/4 cup shortening, melted
• 3 tsp brown sugar
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tbsp seasoned salt
• At least 3 tbsp cayenne pepper

Instead of shortening, it probably would have been better to use something like Smart Balance. I also used way more cayenne because I likes it hot. 3 tbsp makes it about “Mild/Medium” hot, or hawt, depending on your preference.

Success: After covering one side in sauce, put the seitan on some white bread (sauce-side down) and cover the other side with sauce. Serve with crinkle cut fries and a pickle, if that’s your thing (ie you’re a communist). Above is a picture of the final product. Below is what Prince’s generally looks like:

Bon appétit, chumps

Similar Posts:

• Congratufuckinlations Domino’s®!
• Newsflash: Alcohol Makes People More Attractive!
• Mad Magazine Desktop Wallpaper