Howard Hughes on a Budget

Howard Hughes was a reclusive billionaire who lived unseen for decades by nearly every person who knew or worked for him. He also lived in his own filth while simultaneously issuing insane rambling edicts about hygiene to his mormon staff. Plus he banged more women than Wilt Chamberlain. So there’s three reasons he was awesome. Haven’t you always wished you could be just like him — shrouded in secrecy while waging a never ending furtive war on germs, public perception, and sanity? Well, now you can, except for the whole banging more women than Wilt Chamberlain, because, you know, you’re not a billionaire.

Because of his hermit-like existence, it’s actually surprisingly affordable to affect one of the richest men in history. You’ll find, once you get past the stares, odor, and total lack of sunlight, that the lifestyles of the rich and famous are, firstly, not only reserved for the rich and famous, and, secondly, truly are the only way to live. Just follow this handy guide, and you’ll be on your way to the abyss faster than you can say, “Freemasons run the country.”

What You Will Need:

Cotton Gloves

They’re not just for mimes, debutantes, or deranged killers anymore! Cotton gloves serve a protective barrier between your delicate fingertips and all the creepy crawly microbes floating on the surfaces of everything around you — microbes that are just waiting patiently to get inside you and everyone you care about.

Old HH required that all employees wear white cotton gloves. So strict was his requirement that the gloves be changed regularly and that used gloves be incinerated,  his employees ordered the gloves by the gross. Luckily for Hughes and you, cotton gloves can be gotten for a mere pittance. Wear gloves while doing everything. Make your family wear gloves. Put gloves on your pets. Force gloves through your door’s mail slot and insist the mailman put them on before delivering your disability check (and, of course, your next order of fresh white gloves).

Yellow Legal Pads

Howard Hughes was partially deaf. Because of his refusal to be seen and that little germ eccentricity of his, he primarily communicated with his subordinates through long, rambling messages scrawled on yellow legal pads. Aids would sit beside his door waiting for messages to be slid through the door, which would then have to be replied to in the same fashion and slid through the door back to Hughes — countless times throughout the day and night (he rarely slept). Sometimes they were transcribed by his aids and hand delivered to the recipient (while wearing gloves, of course).

Don’t believe they were rambling? Here’s a short excerpt from one of what was probably one of his terser memos:

There are certain areas within the Bungalow 1 C area that have been set aside by Johnny Holmes for the storage of my personal things. There are also other areas that have been set aside for future use by Johnny and his people. These designated areas, which Johnny will mark clearly or designate verbally to all concerned, should be avoided by everyone outside of Johnny’s area of operation. I do not want anybody, under any circumstances, no matter what the emergency may be, to touch these areas or go anywhere near them. I do not want anyone to touch the telephone that Johnny uses, nor any of his equipment that he has put away in storage in the Bungalow or any of my things there, or anything connected with my things.

It is extremely important to me that nobody ever, under any circumstances, no matter what the emergency may be, no matter how extreme the emergency, no matter what pressures are put on, no matter how unusual the circumstances may be, goes into any room, closet, cabinet, drawer, or any other area which is either used by Johnny or indicated by Johnny to be reserved by him for my things in connection with my food operation or any other phase of my operation that Johnny takes care of. I want to make sure that nobody opens any doors to any rooms, closets, cabinets, drawers or in any way, touches any portion of these areas.”

So, yeah, you’re going to need a lot of those pads. This is especially true if people continue to insist upon touching areas within Bungalow 1C. In all likelihood you’re not going to have a lot of subordinates to send memos to, so you’ll want to get creative. Try breaking up with your wife and girlfriend via the yellow legal pad. If you write your facebook updates and tweets on the pads and then scan and upload them, you gain 1,000,000 OCD points — plus you get to put your own eccentric spin on it.

Kleenex® brand Tissues

You’re going to need boxes upon boxes of Kleenex. Like Tammy Faye Baker levels of Kleenex. And, no, you’re not going to use the boxes for your feet. That’s actually an urban legend (although he did wear them in one instance). In reality, you’re going to need those tissues to act as a barrier between your delicate, vulnerable hands and whatever you happen to touch. Peep this memo excerpt so you know exactly how to use your Kleenex® brand tissues:

…obtain a brand new knife, never used, to open a new box of Kleenex, using the knife to open the slot. After the box is open you are to take the little tag and the first piece of Kleenex and destroy them; then using two fingers of the left hand and two fingers of the right hand take each piece of Kleenex out of the box and place it on an opened newspaper and repeat this until approximately fifty sheets are neatly stacked…”

Once, you’ve gone through a couple dozen boxes of tissues, the fun is not over. One of Hughes favorite past times was carefully and neatly stacking and arranging empty tissue boxes. And you thought you’d be bored after locking yourself in your own isolated chamber of shame and phobias.

Pro-Tip®: If you need to blow your nose, you’ll want to have a protective layer that is 25 tissues deep for each hand.

Keds® brand Canvas Sneakers

These were Howard’s preferred shoe, even while wearing a suit. In fact, they were pretty much the only shoe he would wear. Rarely replacing them, he would wear his shoes until they fell apart, opting to go barefoot until some societal pressure or another forced him into a new pair of plain white canvas sneakers. Actually, it was Martin Scorsese’s The Aviator that inspired the Keds company to reintroduce their signature canvas shoe.

Luckily, canvas tennis shoes aren’t exactly haute couture, so it’s not like they’re going to break the bank.

Poland Springs Water

Hughes was obsessed with fluids. While his penchant for hoarding his urine in mason jars is well known, his biggest liquid-based obsession was drinking water. While living in a hotel suite with the windows blacked out in Las Vegas, Hughes threw his obsessive energy into protesting the Southern Nevada Water Project for fear of germs and contaminants polluting his hotel’s drinking water, going so far as to state in a memo to his top assistant Robert Maheu:

Nevada must not offer its tourists water from a polluted, actually stinking lake. This water is, in truth, nothing more or less than sewage, with the turds removed by a strainer so it can be pumped through a pipe.”

Even before his self-imposed seclusion in Nevada, Howie insisted on drinking only Poland Springs water, and only bottles from a specific plant in Maine that Hughes himself had personally inspected. And they had to be in quart bottles.

The closest you can get nowadays is the 1 liter bottle, which is 1.8 ounces more than a quart. So I dunno, maybe some math whiz can figure it out.

Entertainment

A famous filmmaker and producer, Hughes had a film projector installed in his hideout so he could repeatedly watch his favorite films. In 1968, he bought Las Vegas television station KLAS, because he was upset that the station went off the air after midnight. After he purchased the station, he kept the station operational into the wee hours, showing movies of his choosing, oftentimes having an assistant call up the station to rewind and repeat parts he may have missed. You probably don’t have a film projector or a local television affiliate in your back pocket, so you’re going to need to stock up on some DVDs.

He was obsessed with the film Ice Station Zebra, starring Rock Hudson, having watched his personal print of it over 150 times. Other films he was obsessed with included, Myra Breckinridge, and The Poppy Is Also A Flower [VHS].

I really don’t think anyone should be subjected to Myra Breckinridge even once, so really the point is you’re going to want to get cheeseball movies that have a limited irony factor and watch the hell out of them. You probably already have a burgeoning library of horrible movies anyways, so you won’t have to spend a penny.

What You Won’t Need:

Family

They’re just going to get in the way of your new lifestyle, what with their glaring stares and intervention attempts. Plus they’re going to be all up in your place touching your stuff and coughing and sneezing on you. You can’t risk an infection. Kindly explain this to them in a letter that you write and re-write over and over again on your legal pad.

Personal Grooming

So long, haircuts. See you in hell, daily showers. No room for you, nail clippers. It’s going to take about a week or two, but you’ll get used to the itchy beard and the numbness in your fingertips and the smell. I promise. Plus, think of all the money you’ll save! If you’re like me, you’re no longer going to have to shell out top dollar every month for Armando’s exclusive European straight razor hair cut and the obligatory bi-weekly mani-pedi.

Clothing

Don’t you hate pants? I know I do. That’s convenient because HH spent most of his time naked zonked out on codeine watching looped movies that I wouldn’t even force a hardened criminal to watch. He did occasionally wear a tissue over his genitals for modesty when his aids checked his pulse, but I leave that up to your own personal preference.

Uncited Sources:

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