Please Eat a Dick
I recently boughtThe Godfather collection on the Blu-ray Hi Definition HDDVD.com 2.0 what that also vacuums my living room floor while I’m passed out on the couch
That’s why I was shocked at what I found when I finally got away to opening The Godfather collection, I dunno, like a week or two after I bought it. So here’s the thing. I bought a stupid $80 trilogy (of which, I really only want to watch only 2/3 of the movies*) on some over-hyped format with a stupid name and they can’t even get the internal disc holding doo-dad right. It’s four discs and, instead of maybe going that extra mile and doing a nice packaging job, they put the four disks on two ugly-ass blue trays that are connected at the spine through some type of cheap Chinese plastic voodoo. They work like two very thick plastic pages in a book. So the two plugs at one end of the spine — yeah, those broke off.
See that little blue thing on the spine? The thing holding the discs is supposed to have a pluggy thing that goes into it, but not so much.
So you open the package and what happens? First, the two trays flap around like some drunk hobo’s flaccid member when he’s exposing himself to you and your family. Then, the trays fall out. That doesn’t matter so much, because the center plugs that hold the discs don’t hold the discs so well, so when you open the package, two of the discs automatically fall out anyways. Why aren’t the discs each individually packaged in slimline cases like some TV shows on DVD? Because Sony and the publisher are cheap cocksuckers, that’s why.
And another thing, why is the packaging so cheap to begin with? So you spend all this money remastering with all these gigahoowsizts and pixels and whatnot what most snobby douchebags consider is the best movie ever made when they’re not talking about some dumb hipster movie that came out this year or the year before or is going to come out next year but will totally be the best movie ever made, but you can’t shell out a couple of bucks to design packaging that is clever or fitting with the tone and history of the films? Could it at least have been tasteful? It’s The Godfather but it’s packaged in some gaudy translucent blue pillbox looking piece of shit. I swear, Marlon Brando is probably in celebrity heaven recruiting a team of workers to use a forklift to spin him in his grave. His son is also probably spinning in his Styrofoam coffin about all the residual checks he won’t be getting.
So what’s a boy to do? I take that shit straight back to the hell hole I bought it at — Best Buy. The chick at the returns desk was really helpful. At least I think she was helpful. She had gum in her mouth and was like 16 years old and she talked like maybe this was her first job or she didn’t have good social skills or she was all hopped up on something. Either way, I got to exchange it. So I get back home and guess what? The new set has the same exact motherfucking problem. I was hopelessly disappointed and decided “Fuck it.” I tried to kill myself, but I ended up only having enough pills to make me loopy and fall asleep at 3 PM, so when I woke up in the middle of the night I decided again “Fuck it,” and rather than returning this set again to Best Buy — which is like going in to the dentist to get a cavity filled — I will keep it on my shelf. I’ll point out that I own it to all my visitors but I won’t let them touch it, under the cover that it’s very expensive and it’s condition is very dear to me and I don’t want their grubby hands leaving grease marks all over it. In reality, I won’t let them touch it because I’m afraid of being shamed.
*Actually I quite like Godfather III and not just because it’s popular to hate on it and most snobs really loathe it. Well, actually, that’s a big reason why I like it. But, also I think it’s pretty ok and Francis “Jack” Ford Coppola’s untalented alleged director of a daughter isn’t in it enough to completely ruin it. Also, I think that’s the only real argument you could have against that movie. I’d still do her though.
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