The Weather Channel must have given all its foxy meteorologists the holiday off, because there were absolutely no forecast videos featuring the lovely ladies of weather.com this xmas week. Rather than break with my non-existent tradition of arbitrarily reviewing the screen caps of the women in the daily forecast videos each week, I’m going after the dudes this time. These mucho-macho men of meteorology have the chutzpa to deliver a 10-day forecast with unparalleled accuracy, and their fiery-hot passion will make you forget all about the Wind Chill Factor in your area. So, ladies, this one’s for you, and remember, they can’t all be winners.
Don
This one I call Don. He’s going to tell you about the rain clouds in New York state. That is if you just pipe down for a minute. Your sister too. I swear to God, I’ll turn this car around and then there will be no weather report for anyone. I’m already taking enough BS from your mother, I don’t need it from you two. Don has a lot of “home” stress.
Clothing: 
Hair:
Grit:
Hidden Rage:
Secret Longings:
Likelihood that Don will pull a “John List“: 
Pete
The one I’ve dubbed Pete is the “class clown” of TWC. Peep that zany tie. No seriously, if there was a chain, that tie would be off it. Look at how he holds that remote. He has the ease and confidence of a fine Evening at the Improv regular. True story: one time, Pete comes in to work wearing a green shirt and tie the same color as the screen the map is projected on. Bill, the director, nearly blew a gasket. That’s Pete for you.
Neck Tie:
Hair:
Posture:
Aggression:
Height:
Probable Secret Cocaine Addiction:
Alvarez
I named this one Alvarez because he looks like one of those soldiers from a Vietnam War movie where he’s too shellshocked to have a coherent thought, let alone break down the condensation point in the Rockies, and it always seems like there’s one guy in those movies whose name is Alvarez. “I was telling Ricky about the new Doppler 5000 system, and Charlie must have heard it beep or somethin’, ‘cuz all of a sudden BOOM! Ricky’s head comes off and I’m sitting there covered in his blood and I’m thinking, ‘Why are we here? huh, man? I mean, what the fuck are we doing here?’” At least that’s how it works in my weather.com/Platoon fantasies.
Confidence:
Suit:
Poise:
Fear:
Shiftiness:
Odds that he’s holding a shotgun just out of frame with everyone’s “Christmas Bonus”:
Pete Again
You know, now that I think about it, I’m changing my opinion on Pete. I don’t think Pete was so much the class clown as he was the jock asshole who thought he had it all figured out, wound up on a basic cable channel only old people watch, and still thinks he’s doing pretty damn good for himself. Look at that smug confidence and that wide-legged stance. He is the Emilio Estevez of TWC’s Breakfast Club. He’s got deep layers under the surface just like him, but nobody really wants to peel Emilio anyways, so what does it matter? Still has a great tie, though.
Neck Tie:
Hair:
Posture:
Aggression:
Height:
How about some raging alcoholism and paternity suits to go with that coke habit?:
Don-inator the Dominator
Don’s back and so is his groove and let me tell you has he got some weather to tell you about. These ice storms pretty much sell themselves people and you know what else? He’s practically giving away the winter advisory warnings. It’s all part of “Crazy Don’s Dollar Days” here at the Weather Channel. Boy, he still has that icy 1,000 mile stare though, doesn’t he? I wonder how many hitchhikers gazed into that plastic abyss before succumbing to permanent slumber courtesy of one of Don’s Men’s Warehouse 2-for-1 ties…
Estimated Compassion:
Estimated Empathy:
Suit:
Tie:
Propensity for Remorse:
Likelihood that he just hasn’t found “the right one”:
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