Review of Nicorette Cappuccino Flavor Commit Lozenge

Tastes like...candy Nicotine and caffeine go together like America and apple pie, so it’s kind of a wonder that those fat-cat ad wizards on Madison Avenue took so long to come up with a product that combines the two. Behold, the Commit Cappuccino nicotine lozenge. Every time I try to quit the cancer sticks (which is about once a month — don’t you judge me), I opt for the Commit® lozenges because:

A.) They are like candy, and everyone likes candy. I know I do.

B.) They’re not as gross as half-chewed gum that you let sit in between your gums and your cheek like some soggy wad of Wrigley’s with nicotine.

C.) They’re not as bizarrely unwholesome as some clear patch you stick on your arm or back. I don’t get patches. They divorce your from the amazing compulsive oral fixation that cigarettes provide.

So what usually happens is I get insanely trashed one night (shock), smoke 3 packs of cigarettes, and wake up the next afternoon loathing all things tobacco. Instead of regretting the boozing, which might make me question my lifestyle choices, I rally myself against those damn cigarettes. So I give myself a day or two of no smoking. Then the nicotine cravings kick in and I rush out and buy some of these lozenges to calm my shakes, which, I must stress, are from nicotine withdrawals.

I usually opt for the cherry flavor since they’re the type that tastes most like sweet sweet candy. They don’t really taste too much like candy though because they don’t put sugar in them. Actually, they say that they can’t put sugar in them because they are medicine. My ass. They’re medicine the same way Dimetapp is medicine — yeah it’ll conk you out for 14 hours so you can power through your cold, but that’s not why you drink it. You grip ‘n sip it because it tastes like sweet grape Kool-aid, and it totally gets you wicked buzzed.

So anyways, I pick up my box of Cherry and, wouldn’t you know it, those clever ad wizards strike again. They totally give you a free extra container of the new cappuccino flavor. And they are nowhere near as gross as I thought they would be. In fact, they’re exactly the opposite. They taste like coffee flavored candy with the same amount of nicotine as 4 cigarettes. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “These can’t be that good. After all, where’s the caffeine?” Well, I’ll tell you something Mr. Smarty-pants. When you’re rolling with 4 milligrams of nicotine per dose, caffeine don’t mean dick-all. It’s like upgrading from no-dose to uncut cocaine.

So, let’s break these wonderful lil’ sumbitches down shall we:

Packaging: The boxes for these candies leave a lot to be desired. They’re too uptight and clinical looking. And, come on, this shit should write itself. “You know what this over-the-counter nicotine replacement therapy lozenge reminds me of? mmmm….Rome. You know what Rome reminds me of? mmmmm…Giovanni. You know what Giovanni reminds me of? The first time I got the clap (Badump Bump Chhhh).
Appearance:What are those specs? Are they recycled drywall? Sandpaper? Bits of filthy bacon fat remnants from a rendering plant? Close, but you’re way off. Those little specs are sweet coffee flavorings. The remaining white on the lozenge is delicious delicious nicotine. And binding agent. Something like 96% of these lozenges is binding agent. If it was just the nicotine and cappuccino specs, the lozenge would be the size of a tic-tac. GlaxoSmithKline (that’s the name of the company that makes it — just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it?) can’t make them that small because some of the less extreme power-users (read: pussies) would get all sick and write a bunch of letters complaining. I tell you, those international pharmaceutical conglomerates don’t get no respect. If they were that small I would end up freebasing them in my hamper and never leave my apartment.
Flavor: Flavor is where these lozenges really got it going on. They pretty much taste like a generic coffee flavored candy. It’s rich, robust, and everywhere you want to be. The flavor, like the sticky film these lozenges leave in your mouth after you suck on them for like an hour, never goes away.

I guess if you don’t like the taste of coffee, you should stay away from these things. I never used to like coffee. Now, I can’t get enough of it. I’m practically addicted, you guys! Life’s funny like that. One day you’re all about ruby red grapefruit juice or ice water with a lemon in it, and the next your performing oral favors on total strangers for a double-shot FrappaMappaMochaChino with whip, cinnamon, half a cream, one half and half, and 3 packets of equal. I will say that these have not replaced my all-time favorite: Cherry. They’re so pungent that I can pretty only much have 2 of them a day. I found that the flavor stayed with me long after I was done with them, which, at first was pretty ok, but, after two hours, was getting pretty annoying. You know how everyone thinks that kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray? Imagine kissing someone who’s had a chemically engineered cappuccino flavor festering in their mouth for a couple of hours. It ain’t pretty. I’m just foolies. No one would kiss me.
In Conclusion: You know, it was always drilled in my head in high school that you shouldn’t close an essay with “In conclusion,” Apparently, it’s clichéd to use it, and nobody wants to be clichéd. Well if being clichéd is lame, then I guess I’m a big lame-o. A big, stupid, boring lame-o. In conclusion, I found the Nicorette Cappuccino Commit Lozenges® to be a refreshing addition to my menagerie of addiction aversion. They can’t replace cherry, because cherry is the bomb and has a special place in that spot on me where a normal person has a heart. Basically, I’m going to treat these little modern medical marvels like desert nicotine lozenges. The best thing about these is, when I fall of the wagon, I can augment my nicotine intake during the day by taking these when I don’t feel like getting off my lazy ass to go smoke. And for that kind of convenience, the value of these lozenges cannot be overstated. Here’s a hawt tip for all you newbies out there: Floss your gums crazy hard before you take them. I’m guessing you probably don’t floss, because you’re really lazy. When the lozenge dissolves in your mouth, the nicotine will enter your bloodstream faster through your cut-up gums, and then you’ll really be flying, baby. Also, you should buy the 4mg version. They cost exactly the same as the 2mg version, but literally give you twice the amount of nicotine. You can even break them in half if you’re a less extreme power-user (pussy).

So does GlaxoSmithKline, but they'd really prefer it if it takes you 3 or 4 or 15 tries to finally quit. Hey, they got families to feed to, you know. Also, you should floss, because taking care of your teeth is very important.

All in all, I give Nicorette Cappuccino Commit Lozenges® 17.5 stars and 4 thumbs up.

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