Taken from here.
Matikeef “Makh” Daniels, 28, of Pacifica, was ejected from the 2003 Chevrolet van, which had been heading south on Interstate 5 north of Medford at 5:30 a.m. He was pronounced dead at the scene.
According to Oregon State Police, the driver – 24-year-old Justin Garcia of Fresno – fell asleep and allowed the van to drift off the right shoulder of the freeway.
Police Lt. Gregg Hastings said the van carried five members of Daniels’ band, Early Graves, as well as four members of Garcia’s band, Funeral Pyre, which is based in La Habra (Orange County). The men had played at a weekend concert in Eugene and were en route to Reno.
If only this had happened in the early 90s. Then that waif Ethan Hawke could have just showed this to that other waif Winona Ryder.
Hey you guys, have I got a scoop for you: alcohol makes people (me) more fuckable! I’m serious. According to Discovery News, the more you drink, the more likely you are to want to knock boots with pretty much any of the other uggos in the bar.
No. fucking. shit.
I shouldn’t be so hard on Discovery News, what with their recent hard-hitting exposé “Sun, Kristy Swanson: Both Hot but for Different Reasons”. It’s understandable that after such exhaustive investigative reporting, the crack team at Discovery would want to downshift and report on something people have known about since, oh, I don’t know, for-fucking-ever.
Continue reading ‘Newsflash: Alcohol Makes People More Attractive!’
You managed to get some sad lump of humanity to eat your shit pizza!
Continue reading ‘Congratufuckinlations Domino’s®!’
Is there anything better than Cholula® brand hot sauce? Blow jobs, I guess. Cold hard cash, too. Also, receiving cold hard cash for blow jobs. Oh, and Christmas and afternoon drinking and apple pie and girls in short skirts with skinned knees. OK, so there are a lot of things better than Cholula® sauce, but Cholula® is still pretty good. I put it on nearly everything — burritos, chips, fake chicken nuggets, girls in short skirts with skinned knees — everything. I’m not saying I’m addicted to it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve sucked dick for Cholula® or anything, but maybe I haven’t met the right person yet. Also, I steal bottles of it from restaurants so it’s not like it’s affected my financial situation the same way say crack or collecting 9/11 commemorative currency from Liberia has.
It was on a recent grocery trip, when it dawned on me: why not mix Mexican hot sauce with peanuts? You see, the Sachs company makes a Tobasco® Hot Sauce flavored peanut
that is pretty good, and I figured, if a multi-national corporation with over 100 years of food industry experience, advanced industrial food preparation equipment, and experienced food technicians at its disposal can do it, so can I.
Continue reading ‘Cholula® Roasted Peanuts’
This article is inspired by this article, which is one of many annoying fucking articles about how customers need to act towards their waitresses, baristas (which is Italian for “a person who does the same job as the dumpy cash register girl at McDonald’s”), and other service industry lackeys. These articles are bullshit and only exist so the readers can smugly remind themselves that they could never be so inconsiderate as to act like some déclassé customer and ruin some hipster college dropout’s day. Also, if the title of the article doesn’t piss you off (“A Cup of Kindness: Five Things Baristas Want You to Know“), I don’t know what will.
Anyway, here’s an item-by-item counterpoint:
Continue reading ’5 Things I Want You to Know About Starbucks Baristas’
I don’t eat meat. Or dairy. I don’t because it gives you an elitist edge of snobbery that you just won’t get if you while away your days sucking down 32oz Blizzards at “the DQ”. The one thing I do miss is Prince’s Hot Chicken. If you’ve never been there you should check it out. It’s in a super-questionable neighborhood in a filthy building. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow’s assistant ate there once.
It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started having dreams — nightmare’s really — about it. Every night that I’ve had one too many limoncellos (which is every night), is a night that I inch closer and closer to snapping.
So, using a modified version of this recipe (which is pretty close to Prince’s), I’ve concocted a vegan tribute that is pretty goddamn close, except no disgusting filthy animals with brains the size of a pea had to die for it.
Continue reading ‘Vegan Hot Seitan’
o•nan•ism
definition:
- masturbation.
- coitus interruptus.
Continue reading ‘Word of the Day: onanism’
