Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny

Published on June 21, 2011 in Internet! and Product Reviews. 0 Comments

I originally wanted this post’s title to be “Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny As All Get Out,” but it seemed too long.

I love my Kindle®. I know it’s stupid to have attachment to a product, but I can’t think of a better word than love. I fucking love my Kindle®. Just thinking about its sleek white casing, its firm yet yielding navigation nub, the way it feels in my big, strong hands — it’s enough to make my pants tight.

I’ve had mine for about two years, and, during those two years, I think I’ve become a better person. Some will say a more smug person, but those people are just jealous because they can’t afford an e-reader with which to read the classics of literature (primarily Dean Koontz and Danielle Steel).  Continue reading ‘Amazon’s Kindle® Replacement Policy Makes Me Horny’

Favorite Boozing Quotes

Published on April 12, 2011 in Rock and Roll. 0 Comments

Who doesn’t like boozing? I know I do. I love how conversations gradually turn into shouting matches, the oh so many romantic misunderstandings, and especially the 2-day hangover napathons. You know what though? Turns out other people like boozing too. Who’da thunk it? I compiled a list of my five favorite alcoholic quotes because: A: I’m lazy (only five!) and B. they can’t all be winners (this has been done to death).

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won’t let himself get snotty about it.

— Hardboiled noir drunk: Raymond Chandler
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Why are all these Express® Mannequins Thrusting Their Pelvises At Me and Why Is It Making My Pants Tight?

Published on December 17, 2010 in Field Trips. 1 Comment

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Mad Magazine Desktop Wallpaper

Published on November 20, 2010 in I am awesome.. 2 Comments

It's the Mad Magazine wallpaper for your new Gateway® computer!When I was a kid, I used to read Mad Magazine obsessively. I even had a subscription (for serious). And when I didn’t have a subscription, one of my brothers did. In fact, I can state with some confidence that from the year 1991 to the year 1998, there wasn’t an issue or Super Special that I missed.

It was ’round the turn of the century that I started getting laid proper, and all of a suddden Al Jaffe’s fold-ins didn’t hold the same appeal that, and I don’t know how to put this delicately, my girlfriend’s fold-ins (and by that I mean genitals) did. So that pretty much ended my love of Mad Magazine. That, and then 9/11 happened, which, as I understand it, changed everything.

So you should download this fucking wallpaper that I made. It comes in four widescreen resolutions (because only poor people have non-widescreen computers) and a super duper special iPhone® edition. It’s the nuts.

Resolution: 2560×1600 / 1920×1200 / 1680×1050 / 1280×800 / iPhone®

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Seriously, fuck you CNN

Published on September 27, 2010 in Internet! and TV. 2 Comments
Lindsay Lohan CNN headline

When you live La Vida Lohan, you button all the way to the top.

I don’t care about Lindsay Lohan. I know she switched places with Jamie Lee Curtis in that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen movie that I liked. Also, I heard she does Gary Busey-levels of cocaine, which doesn’t bother me, and is perfectly understandable considering she has a twin sister that is a sleazy stripper — a problem which is further compounded by the fact that all the popular girls are mean to her at her new school. So, yeah, nothing she does bothers me.

What does bother me is smarmy obnoxious headlines like: ”Lindsay’s lawyer is living La Vida Lohan.”

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If You Name Your Band “Early Graves,” Maybe Wear a Seatbelt

Published on August 27, 2010 in Internet! and Rock and Roll. 0 Comments

Taken from here.

Matikeef “Makh” Daniels, 28, of Pacifica, was ejected from the 2003 Chevrolet van, which had been heading south on Interstate 5 north of Medford at 5:30 a.m. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

According to Oregon State Police, the driver – 24-year-old Justin Garcia of Fresno – fell asleep and allowed the van to drift off the right shoulder of the freeway.

Police Lt. Gregg Hastings said the van carried five members of Daniels’ band, Early Graves, as well as four members of Garcia’s band, Funeral Pyre, which is based in La Habra (Orange County). The men had played at a weekend concert in Eugene and were en route to Reno.

If only this had happened in the early 90s. Then that waif Ethan Hawke could have just showed this to that other waif Winona Ryder.

Newsflash: Alcohol Makes People More Attractive!

Published on August 25, 2010 in Internet!. 2 Comments

Hey you guys, have I got a scoop for you: alcohol makes people (me) more fuckable! I’m serious. According to Discovery News, the more you drink, the more likely you are to want to knock boots with pretty much any of the other uggos in the bar.

No. fucking. shit.

I shouldn’t be so hard on Discovery News, what with their recent hard-hitting exposé “Sun, Kristy Swanson: Both Hot but for Different Reasons”. It’s understandable that after such exhaustive investigative reporting, the crack team at Discovery would want to downshift and report on something people have known about since, oh, I don’t know, for-fucking-ever.

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